When you are not sure

I had this very recent experience: I was standing by the river, far from the city center. It was really quiet. I mean you'd be able to hear a little noise of the car traffic from somewhere far away, but it was just like someone has put it there only to counter the general silence of this place. I was there - watching the nature. And after some short time I had this thought like by being there I've entered my old life. Exactly as it was when I was young. The time when I used to wake up without any special plan for the day. Ready for whatever - entering places we were not suppose to enter, and doing things we were not suppose to do. Childhood...

And being there made me realize one thing more: how often we are used to live the life in some particular way for years and then, suddenly it is suppose to change. And we know it is gonna change, but we kind of do not believe it really will. You know? Like when someone dies. You know you will never meet this person again, but you cannot believe it. You feel like you would, but you never will. Luckily in life you may get the chance to come back to your past... The good past. 

So I was there, by the river, feeling so calm. At that moment I understood that at the time when I left my hometown few years ago, when I began my studies, I closed the chapter of my childhood for good. And again, at that time I knew it was going to happen, but for some reason I could not believe it. But it happened. Being there brought me back to the feeling of childhood. The feeling was exactly the same, but tasted better because compared to my current life - full of stress, and you know, adult problems. Feeling was the same, but I was not.

Do you remember how simple the things were when we were young? We had a very strong opinion on everything. Mom doesn't wanna buy us sweets equals: she does it on purpose, just to make us nervous. Teacher gives us bad mark: he/she is stupid. A girl/boy doesn't wanna be with us: he/she is not worth it anyways. Everything was SIMPLE! And that changed. Over the time we (I (?)) get more and more confused with things. Nothing is black or white any more. More and more questions start having the same answer: I don't know. It is scary at first, because it is easier to have an easy explanation to everything, but later on you realize it is honest not to know. Dear my people, don't you ever be afraid of not knowing. For some time I've been even living with the philosophy of not-knowing, and never felt better ;-) Sometimes I think it is our only protection from this incredibly complicated world full of confusing experiences.

So how is it really with this childhood that I have mentioned few times today? How is it with this thing we miss when we grow up? I love the explanation from Garden State. You should watch the whole movie. (starts at 56s)

Love

PS While writing it I have listened to this (few times in row ;-)):

Feels like childhood, doesn't it?

Choose the ones that love you!

Few years back I met this American guy, the Vietnam war veteran. He told me these stories about how it was back there, in the Eastern Asia, fighting. No hero stories, no great battles, no proud-to-be-serving-own-country sort of things. Instead, he told me about all the incredible fears they had to live through, about the amount of stress they were taking on their chests, and... about drugs that they had to take every day in tern of not freaking out! All of that sounded truly nasty people, you trust me! You feel like crying while listening to it. But this one is not about war. At the end of his story he told me: "Hey, do you wanna know what this all made me realize? You can't take no shit from anyone! Your life is to breakable to waste time caring about people who do not treat you well!". How true is that?

I am scared sometimes. But I mean like really scared. Of many things. But most of all I fear that people who I share love with are not gonna share it back with me. You know? Like it is so tough to actually show people your emotions, to say how you feel about them, to try to get closer with them, because you never know if they will bring it back to you. You need a lot of courage to be able to live showing your feelings. But it is worth to show feelings, because at the end you will have the most important belief like Whitney Houston sang: "If I fail, if I succeed, at least I live as I believe!". It's not if people will love you back, it's if you tried everything to be honest with yourself.

It is always incredibly difficult not to judge yourself if someone else leaves you. Like you kind of know that it is not about you, but about other person's weaknesses, but still there are these thoughts: "Maybe I didn't try much enough, maybe I should not have done this or that". I believe that there are no could-have-dones in these sort of moments. There are no random actions happening between two people. If something doesn't work out it wasn't meant to be. You are not able to make people love you, as they are not able to make you love them. Either there is something between a pair of people or not. Sure it is soo hard to think this way when you have actually been hurt but there is always this positive thing - there are people waiting to love you just for who you are. Sometimes I am truly surprised when someone shares love with me because I do not feel like I have deserved it. You know, like deep inside I always feel that I need to do something special to be loved. And I thank the world that the reality is not as I sometimes feel. Like people actually love you just like that! Do you know what I mean? What a great gift that is...

My dearest friends, DO NEVER TAKE NO SHIT FROM ANYONE! There are always these people who love you, and it is worth to invest feelings in them! And at the end of a day if you are not sure where to find them, just write me. I do always keep so much love to share with you! You mean the world to me and I am always ready to remind it to you whenever you doubt it! :-) I am so thankful to have you!

Ps. I have read this article lately saying: "If you are even wondering if I am writing about you, then definitely I am". I guess it works the same in here ;-)
Pps. There are few people that I truly admire for their willingness to follow their feelings. One of them on the picture!



LOVE!

You need to treat your soul well!

It is said that love is a huge word to use, and it takes years before you can actually be sure that you really love someone. And here is the thing that I strongly disagree with. Does love need ten thousands proves to be called love? Can't love be something sudden? Something that just gets into your life, hits you and make you realize things? Something that simply makes your existence better? I very well believe that you can feel love after 1 hour conversation with someone. It just need to be THE right person in THE right time of your life...
Love is not about time period. Love is about experience, about the new positive vibe in your life.

Some time ago I started to have this doubts if I can still perceive things really deeply. Not many experiences were able to bring up this sparkle of emotions any more. You know? Like you feel that once you get older the sparkle is not for you any more. Like you need to get more serious now, and put dreams aside and just do your job, pay your rent, meet friends, post something cool on facebook, buy yourself a pair of jeans... casual things. And all that with this thought that one day, when you make enough money and this and that, everything will change big time! But hey, wait a minute. How to stand the every day pressure of big expectations without falling down? Oh yea, they say that sport is good way out of stress. Right so you try some sport... swimming for instance, or wait... I know jogging sounds better... At least you can listen to music while running. Alright boy, so you did all that and do you feel better? Maybe you do, for one second, maybe two... not for long though. Something is missing, right? Your body feels better, but how about your soul? 

I have this great friend -  the sould-treater - the person that tells you things that you already know, but for some reason when she says them you feel like you have heard them for the first time in your life, they become meaningful. She told me that you can try your best, to make your life good. You can make money, do sports, read books etc. but you will not feel good asa you will not treat your soul good. Can you feel it? You know these moments when you are away on the trip, you have this schedule of things that you want to see, you walk down the street and there is this musician playing the guitar and singing. You actually love it, but for some reason you pass him, cause hey... you've got your schedule... STOP! Listen to him! Sit in front and listen. Listen.

I know I was going hard on fb from the very beginning, but I got to hit it again. Did you have this: you want to go for a coffee with someone. But who with...? Alright, lets find someone on facebook. Who did I chat with lately? (SEARCHING PROCESS IN PROGRESS). Okay, I have someone. Now lets ask: "Do you feel like to go for a coffee?". "Yes I do". "Aweoseome, see you soon". Then you are on a coffee and... you feel like this was not the best idea. Not much to talk about... Hmm getting awkward. But why, I have chosen this person from my friends' list. Exactly, on facebook you choose friends. In real life you feel your friends. Nothing happens without the reason. If the person comes to your mind it means that it actually is THE friend you wanna meet. My dear people: Do not choose. FEEL!

Now some little update of my life: It's been over a month without facebook now and it feels good. Last weeks have been a real gift. I experienced a lot with amazing people. I do not mean any sensations, just little things. They mean something again. They make me feel emotional. They make me cry again. I love to cry. And I love all the people that are able to bring these amazing moments that make me cry. I love you my good people! I mean it as much as you could not believe!

Me and my soul-treater :-)  Unfortunately she is not from here and she is going
home tomorrow, but a piece of her will stay in my heart forever!

Take care of your souls my dearest people!

Happy in-betweens!

All my dear people, after long two weeks here I am again with some new thoughts. Please go through them and give me your feedback. It means the world to me to know what you think! Alright so let's start...

There are these two movies that I truly adore. First of them is called "Lost in translation" and the second one is "Garden state". What do I love about them? They are about life as I see it. How to describe what LiT is about? I have heard some negative opinions: "A guy goes to Japan to make a commercial of some whiskey brand. He couldn't understand the people, the culture so some ridiculous stuff happened. Movie quite funny, but quite about nothing...". But I would rather say: "A guy goes to Japan to make a commerial of some whiskey brand... but this one is just the background, it doesn't matter really. He feels lost, but not because of lack of culture's understanding only, but also, or mainly because being far from home makes him realize as never before, that his life is without sense, that he goes through it without thinking about it much enough. And then he meets a girl. Much younger. The soulmate.  Everything turns around. Some new flame gets into his mind. He realizes, that he needs to change his life...". Sweet story. But can you feel it? LiT is not about being an actor, not about visiting Japan, not about partying hard, even though all these play their big parts in the movie. LiT is about all the 'in between' sort of moments, and 'in betweens', as I believe, are actually our lifes, aren't they?

Timothy Ferris in his book "4-hours work week" says that he doesn't like when people try to define him by his job. There is always this thing when you meet someone new, that he/she asks you about your work activities, like it was going to make you be this or that. And I feel like job and money was only a way to do what you actually want to do, in other words - to be the person you actually are. DO NOT LET PEOPLE DEFINE YOU BY THE WORK YOU DO! As long as this work is not something you really love.

Alright now, so what do I want my life to be about? One of the young polish fashion designers when asked about what has inspired her to create art replied: "I just enjoy doing stuff, doing things!". And that is what truely appeals to me. I want to do stuff! I wanna learn how to play the guitar, have singing lesson, learn french, eat good, travel, meet people (meet you guys, wherever you are in the world!), and experience, experience, experience. And last but as you can guess not least... I want to LOVE and BE LOVED!

I do not want anything special. I just want to be independent enough:

1) moneywise - so I can pay for what I want to have;

2) timewise - so I can rest whenever I feel like to rest.

And the most imprtant: I want to feel safe during every 'in between'. Nothing else, just safe.

Alright my dear people. In the end of this one I just wanna say that I constantly think about you! Oh and I wish you all happy 'in betweens'!

Ps. The guy in the picture is called Chris Rene. Really inspiring person. I recommend you to youtube him;)

Love.

FB keeps fighting ;)

Do you have this feeling sometimes that life became temporary? I do have it often lately. What exactly do I mean? Ok so I am seeing this friend. Nice cafe, good tea, little chat... Everything seems pretty sweet, right? Alright, there is just this little problem, I do not really feel like I am 100% there. Yep, I feel like I am missing something at this very moment... I feel like to... check what's on by Facebook bay. OK, so I do check it... Nothing? What a surprise, I was there 10 minutes ago so what a hell could have changed since?! Oh yea I forgot, logic has nothing to do with it. Two minutes later -> refresh... and there is nothing new... Refresh, refresh, refresh... Weird? Is it really?

Ok, story number two. I am sitting in front of computer and just realize that I need to grab this thing from kitchen. Alright so lets grab it. And there I am in the kitchenm and... Now, I would love to remember what did I come for... What for god sakes was this important think to take... Thinking for one second more... Nah, not gonna happen... My little mind is not gonna cooperate with me this time!

Number three. I am watching this funny series. Lmfao sort of thing. At one point I actually laugh hard cause this funny scene made me think of the thing that just happened to me lately when I was with this friend. And now another challenge... Who was I with... Shit, can't remember... But that was like few days ago... I should know it. And again, nothing. Total blackout. Did it really happen? Maybe it just happened in my dreams.

And all that at the end makes me ask myself: What a hell has happened with me?! Why am I so distracted? Wait, I really don't know or am I only acting like I don't?

For some time I was only thinking if it is only me, or there's some strange effect that Facebook cause to our minds. And the answers came last thursday. Not for the first time, but definitely for the first time with such a solid accent. There we were in Poznań, Ratajczaka street (the one connecting Plac Wolności with Stary Browar), really nice new bar. Three of us. Having really deep conversation. One of these that hits you, makes you realize something important. Something that you already knew, but for some reason it gets as clear as a never before just in this particular moment. So there was a lot about how we changed. How we run every day, like we were chasing something that we don't even understand. About how we look at other people through facebook and we see only good things - parties, travels, smiles, hearts (<3 -> this ones), big plans, great friendships, amazing lifes etc. etc. And then we are with ourselves, not feeling that great. But how to speak about it outloud being surrounded with all the fantastic stories. Are we still allowed to say that we do not feel that awesome? Are we giving ourselves a chance to do it?

Thanks to this evening, that I am so grateful to my two amazing chicos, I understood that there are people thinking similar stuff, and that there's actually nothing bad in feeling this way.

OK now, time to stress out one thing my dear folks. All I wrote is exaggerated big time! Sure I know it. I did it for one reason though: just so you understand, why did I find it important to leave the virtual house of great friendships for a bit (maybe for a little bit longer bit, who knows).

Sure I know that all these thoughts are brought by the new stage of my life, and not facebook only. Studies are done. Good job, really nice one, but do I really want to do what I do, is this the thing that will make me feel happy. I am not saying that it won't... but there's always "what if". I like my town, but maybe there's some other piece of the world designed especially for me. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe... I guess that's what life gets like when you are about to participate in future-creation-process. A lot of 'maybies' appear on your way every day.

Alright, so at the end of this one, let me ask you one simple question my dear people: Do you know what I mean? Anyone with me on it?

Love.                                  (Ps. some new hairstyle it is;))

So here it starts...

Alright, so first of all last time I have blogged was ages ago (again: ages ago!), so you people be good to me;)

Second of all, I would like to explain why is this moment a good time to start the very new blog. Ok, so the reason is pretty huge, at least for me... I am leaving Facebook! And so I guess some of you may laugh and think: "what a silly thing that is, there is nothing easier than that". But is it really that simple? Hah! I guess it is not when you think about it just a little bit longer.

Ok, but you may also be interested in why am I doing it, yet Facebook is pretty cool and useful tool. Sure it is. But isn't it like being in control of this tool we are also exposed for hundreds of side effects? I feel like we are, and I also feel like having a break (hopefully the longer one;)) is gonna help me answer many important questions about how I want my life to be.

Next time I am gonna explain A LOT more about me leaving facebook and I hope to discuss some things with you in here. (please stay active!)

And the last thing... Don't you dare leaving me alone in here people!;) I count on you.

Love.