When you are not sure

I had this very recent experience: I was standing by the river, far from the city center. It was really quiet. I mean you'd be able to hear a little noise of the car traffic from somewhere far away, but it was just like someone has put it there only to counter the general silence of this place. I was there - watching the nature. And after some short time I had this thought like by being there I've entered my old life. Exactly as it was when I was young. The time when I used to wake up without any special plan for the day. Ready for whatever - entering places we were not suppose to enter, and doing things we were not suppose to do. Childhood...

And being there made me realize one thing more: how often we are used to live the life in some particular way for years and then, suddenly it is suppose to change. And we know it is gonna change, but we kind of do not believe it really will. You know? Like when someone dies. You know you will never meet this person again, but you cannot believe it. You feel like you would, but you never will. Luckily in life you may get the chance to come back to your past... The good past. 

So I was there, by the river, feeling so calm. At that moment I understood that at the time when I left my hometown few years ago, when I began my studies, I closed the chapter of my childhood for good. And again, at that time I knew it was going to happen, but for some reason I could not believe it. But it happened. Being there brought me back to the feeling of childhood. The feeling was exactly the same, but tasted better because compared to my current life - full of stress, and you know, adult problems. Feeling was the same, but I was not.

Do you remember how simple the things were when we were young? We had a very strong opinion on everything. Mom doesn't wanna buy us sweets equals: she does it on purpose, just to make us nervous. Teacher gives us bad mark: he/she is stupid. A girl/boy doesn't wanna be with us: he/she is not worth it anyways. Everything was SIMPLE! And that changed. Over the time we (I (?)) get more and more confused with things. Nothing is black or white any more. More and more questions start having the same answer: I don't know. It is scary at first, because it is easier to have an easy explanation to everything, but later on you realize it is honest not to know. Dear my people, don't you ever be afraid of not knowing. For some time I've been even living with the philosophy of not-knowing, and never felt better ;-) Sometimes I think it is our only protection from this incredibly complicated world full of confusing experiences.

So how is it really with this childhood that I have mentioned few times today? How is it with this thing we miss when we grow up? I love the explanation from Garden State. You should watch the whole movie. (starts at 56s)

Love

PS While writing it I have listened to this (few times in row ;-)):

Feels like childhood, doesn't it?